User blog:Nakuro/A shady little leaflet

Apparently I recieved a 'murder' threat from Fede if I should return to the wiki last summer. Only noticed today when I decided to take a look at the site where I spent more than three years writing on. I'll take my chances, I guess, by dropping this subtle little bomb.

I've given this post some thought. First back in 2017, when I disappeared from the wiki entirely without a word's notice. Too much had happened. One event lead to another disaster which lead to another catastrophe, with no room or energy to explain to others why or how those events happened. I took a sturdy gander at what I had worked towards during my puberty years and stumbled onto the conclusion that it was time to go. I made friendships here and simultaneously watched them burn down to ashes or dilute slowly into nothingness. I went from rejoicing the fact that I had a platform on which to oust my wildest dreams and imaginations to regretting every word I ever put onto paper (or page, rather). It was time to go, even though part of me never wanted to go.

I thought about it again at numerous moments throughout 2018, where I would 'hop on' to see what had changed on the site. To check out what other people were doing after I left and to fondly 'relive' my memories attached to this place for the briefest of moments. Never daring to post or write again, though. Still too haunted by what had occured over the years and still steadfast in my believe that leaving was the right call.

Now again I thought about this post. As if just a fleeting thought, drifting through my mind, I decided to just... leave this here.

My life is so different from what it once was, and pondering on that fact I can assess that I'm not the same person that I once was. Friendships which once were quite meaningful are now gone, with a remaining, very distant void which either is filled or left unremembered and unattended; empty. But one thing has not changed: my love for writing and the tiniest of dreams and imagination which at the very start sprouted into a single concept for a story about a guy inside a virtual death game. Looking back on that, I still know that I have a story to write and a dream to fulfill. But also looking back, I still see what I've once tried to do and what I produced in those years. Before I make the same mistakes and go down the same path, which inevitably leads to the same regret, misery and pain as before, I am setting boundaries for myself to keep my writing ambitions in check.

So for those who made it down this far, I'm impressed. Essentially, I'm sort of saying that I'll be back. Now right now, not tomorrow, not in a week or a month. I'll be looking for the right moment this year to reappear and set things right before committing to an attempt at doing things 'correct'. more bluntly and directly stated, I'll pop on somewhere and do a full sweep of all the pages I once made. After that, pages will be altered or most likely wiped clean; erased entirely. That's the first boundary I set before coming back to write again. The second boundary is more simple. When I get back to writing, I'll be starting anew. Not with 'Through the Sights'. That stays as it is. Leviathan will be written anew, from the same starting point: a boy in a death game. Only fragments of the storyline and the characters will remain, but a  great deal of elements will be erased. I'll attempt again to write the story, but from a more mature and safe perspective, more fitting to who I am now.

If you came down here, I'm really impressed (have to admit that, sorry). Don't fret, I won't be in touch with anyone. Partly because I don't feel the need to and partly because I know I won't be able to keep in touch. It seems weird saying that whilst writing a blog post this big, but this post has just one single purpose and nothing more: just to warn people I'll be back someday this year. To some it really is a warning (you know who you are and you have nothing to fear, you can trust me on that after 2 years of dead silence), to others it is not.

Enough talk. Time to slither back into the shadows to reappear another day.

- Nakuro